Open Mouth; Insert Entire Leg

        Eleven years ago I went to Bible College (or Bible Camp, as I liked to call it) in Carnforth, England. I happened to be there during the dreaded Foot and Mouth Disease outbreak. The bad news- aside from the fact that I was, indeed, at Bible Camp- was that we lived in a castle on a sheep farm.

This is the only digital picture I could find 

         I firmly believe it was from that very sheep farm/ Bible camp, that I had the severe misfortune to contract Foot in Mouth Disease. I pretty much always, albeit accidentally, say the exact wrong thing.

        It has crossed my mind that it also could be genetic. My Grandma Natalie had a similar habit of saying the exact wrong thing in many circumstances. For example, once, while getting a hair cut, her Native American stylist asked her how she wanted it to look, to which my grandmother replied, "Oh I don't care, as long as I don't end up looking like a wild Indian."

        I pulled a real Natalie at work today. One of the residents came up to me and asked, "Hey Nicole, do you know of any place around here where you can get eyeliner tattooed on?" I retorted, "What am I ninety? Who would ever get eyeliner tattooed on the face!?" Let's pause for a moment and realize that a normal human would think to herself, "Why is this fool asking me this? Maybe he wants eyeliner tattooed on his face. If that is the case, perhaps I should avoid saying anything potentially insulting."  Too bad I have no idea how to act like a normal human.  

Um.  Yeah.

        No, a normal human would have thought- at least a little bit- before speaking.  The resident then went on to say, "Oh, well, my fiance was thinking of getting it done-"  "Right!" I backpedaled (too late) "I'm not judging, it's just that I don't... even wear eyeliner! Right? So I wouldn't tattoo it on- It doesn't mean it's not... cool.  I don't judge!"  As if that wasn't bad enough, he went on to say, "Yeah, my mom and my sister get it done all the time."  Kill me.  Are you serious right now?

O'Doyle, I've got a feeling your whole family's going down

        I insulted this man's mom, sister, and fiance in a single sentence.  I tried to lament to one of my co-workers, and explained my faux pas.  The answer I got was not necessarily sympathetic, "Yep, sounds about right."  I tried another friend in the office, hoping for a little more compassion.  "I was doing so well [not insulting people] today," I whined.  "Yeah, and then you started talking," he said.  Rude.

        Forget Foot in Mouth Disease. I just put my whole leg in my mouth. Ratsicles.