And on the Seventh Day- I Cheated on the Skinny Rules

        I wish I had a good reason for not writing knee slapping blog posts, but the truth is... I've been cooking.  The worst part is, it's all freaking healthy food.  I mean, who's even heard of farro besides blasted Julius Caesar and other old Roman dudes.  FYI peeps, farro is an ancient grain.  I probably shouldn't be eating it.  I bought some super duper ancient kind by accident, I think, and you have to soak for eight hours before cooking. BLERG.

This is some kind of Giada De Laurentiis farro recipe- and she is a skinny freak!

        Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be as skinny as a freak, but I felt like a bit of a blob after not being able to run for about six weeks.  Combine that with buying a condo, moving, and eating a lot [more] Chinese food than usual, and a person starts to feel kind of blobby.  Right?  If this, or something similar, has never happened to you, or if you are Giada De Laurentiis- we're fighting.

The phrase, "Never trust a skinny cook" comes to mind

        I'm going to level with you.  I'm following this book like it's the Bible...

I'm ignoring the awkward comb over here

        Actually, I follow it much better than I follow the Bible.  The Bible is super long and boring- have you ever read it?  I have.  Seriously, I read the whole Bible in nine months once.  That's a topic for a different, blog, though.  Let's be honest, that entry probably won't get written, since a blog about an incredibly tedious book written a gazillion years ago can't be that funny.  I don't want to lose one of my- I mean, I don't want to lose my reader due to boredom.

This is Kittles after our evening reading of the Pentateuch- I almost bored her to death

        Here's why I love it:  you get to eat a lot of food, and you get SNACKS twice a day.  You guys know how much I love snacks.  Also- and you're going to think I'm a crazy hippy naturopath for this one, but it's true- I am sleeping like a rock every single night.  I haven't even needed my fake root sleeping pill!

       Here's why I hate it a little: lots of the food is non-fat, unsweetened Greek Yogurt.  In case you haven't tried it, non-fat, unsweetened Greek Yogurt is SICK.  One person I know said, "It tastes like gastric juices."  I can not deny that it might, although,  I don't consider myself to be a connesiour of gastric juices.

Feed this to your nemesis.

        Just put some agave in it, you say?  Gladly, except for that Bob Harper is masterfully helping me reset my palate, and he doesn't want me to have any extra sugar- even agave.  No artificial sweeteners either (Rule 10.)  Worse than gastric juice flavored yogurt?  Consider this: No. Diet. Coke. So, yeah... it's worse.

Ivy Jane knows exactly how I feel.

        I am eating ancient grains,  abstaining from sugar,  and I haven't had a cheeseburger in... at least three weeks.  Next thing you know, I'll be selling my birth right for a bowl of stew- as long as there are potatoes in it, and I can have a beer to wash it down.  Which I can't because one of the skinny rules is, "Get Rid of Those White Potatoes," and another is, "Don't Drink Your Calories." Bob Harper is the worst (for those of you who don't know, and couldn't read the copy of his book cover, he is actually "a weight loss expert, and star of NBC's 'The Biggest Loser.'")  So, he's not really the worst.  Except for when you want a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs for dinner and you remember "Rule 7: No Carbs After Lunch."  That bastard.

        Now you know if I order "the farro" when we're out for lunch, I am not summoning an ancient Egyptian king.  If you should happen to order a cheeseburger and a beer at that same lunch outing, however, you might want to hold your butter knife in a defensive position.  There's no skinny rule that reads, "Thou shalt not get stabby when coveting thy neighbors' food."  

        

Again, I will cut you.

 

Just a Spoonful of Sugar...

         I was reading about cat behavior the other night- because I'm that person now- and I was all thrilled because it said if your cat grooms you, it is basically the highest compliment.  I thought, "Oh, Lola licks my arm sometimes! She loves me."  Then I saw her licking a pole today.  She is either more mentally challenged than originally projected, or she's a stripper.  Great.  I have no idea where that mouth has been.

disgusting.

        Speaking of which, one of our residents told me yesterday that "another" resident said I look like Hugh Hefner's ex-girlfriend, Holly Madison. Rude.

Other than our penchant for nautically themed outfits and small animals- we pretty much have nothing in common.

She was not nearly as excited about her tiny puppy as I was about mine... Then again, that may be all the farther her face can move.

     

        Now, I actually like Holly Madison, and had a terrible habit of watching "The Girls Next Door" when she was on that show.   I just remember the first time I saw her on TV, I thought she looked like an alien deer. I know that sounds mean, but you have to remember, I'm from Wisconsin, where there happen to be a lot of deer and almost ZERO humans who look like this.  Since leaving Wisconsin, I have lived in Colorado and Washington State.  None of these places are riddled with women under 40 who have had multiple plastic surgery *ahem* enhancements.  Let's be real for a minute (no pun intended,) unless you live in Bellevue, you are surrounded by dirty hippies in this city.  If you come across a broad who's wearing a bra, it's your lucky day.  People in Seattle don't look like Holly Madison- especially not me.

This is me in Hollywood.  And why wouldn't I be wearing a grandma cardigan?

        We had a school- age patient today who told the Nurse Practitioner on our team, "Your name is 'Spaghetti'!"  Which, because I am also ,mentally, a school age child, I thought was absolutely hilarious.  He also told us this short gem of a story (mind you, his parents and grandparents were also in the room...)

        Oh! And sometimes, I go into the kitchen and I SNEAK sugar.  Yeah, I get a spoon, and I get a chair, and I bring it over to the sugar jar.  I climb up on the chair and I sneak a whole spoonful of sugar!  Then I put the cover back on the sugar jar and put the spoon and the chair back so my parents won't notice.

        If you could have seen the looks on his family members faces, you would have died.  This was clearly news to all of them.  P.S. Did I mention I actually love my job?  (Mostly, anyway, but let's not quibble about the minutiae.)

        Obviously I can't go into details about this person, but if you saw him, you would notice he is different than most of us.  Still, as good old "Spaghetti" the Nurse Practitioner would say, "That's just the way he was put together."  This kid was hilarious, and had zero qualms about his appearance not being the same as everyone else (as was evidenced by him running down the halls in his underwear- obvi.) 

          Don't get me wrong, the moral of this story is not to judge people for altering their appearances.  If you want fake boobs, fine, but don't do it for your grandpa/boyfriend who is just going to trade you in for a new model once you're over 27 years old anyway.   At the end of the day, do what it is you need to do in order to feel good, confident, peaceful, happy, etc.  I am personally quite glad to sneak a little sugar and stay the way I was put together.

Right?