You Know What's Funny? Ludacris.

        If you have ever read the book, "Stuff White People Like," you already know that we are really into music.  We each like to think we were the first individual to discover a particular band or song. We pride ourselves in naming super obscure venues where we have seen these previously "unknown" artists perform.

This is me and Rico at a Shins concert. We're so unoriginal.

        I was thinking about a life soundtrack- you know, a soundtrack for your life? (Also, something white people like.)  Don't tell me you never think, "If my life was a movie, this is the song that would be playing right now."  Okay, you're lying if you "never" think about the music that would be in your big scene.

and scene.

        As I was running the other day, I was listening to DMX- obvi.  After I laughed a little to myself about how funny it is to run while listening to poetic lyrics like, "You're broke, the kid ain't yours, and e'rbody know!" I started creating a scene in my mind.  It was along the lines of the movie shot where the hero gets out of an Aston Martin in an Armani suit, and starts elegantly filling the bad guys full of lead with a Glock 17.  And if you guessed that I have no idea what I just said,  you are correct. That James Bond knock off of a description was not what was running through my head while I was, well...running.

     

You get the idea.

        What I was pondering, was, "What would my hero scene in a movie look like?"  You should know by now that I'm going to tell you- whether you want to know or not.  Let me paint a little picture for you...

       
        Fade in

        The sun is shining in Seattle. A white Escalade screeches to a halt in the Schooner Exact Parking lot.

        The driver's door opens. 

        CU (That's "close up" for those of you who don't write awesome mini screenplays.) 

       Blond woman in early 30's  mid 20's steps out, dressed head to toe in Lululemon yoga clothes.  Fawn colored French Bulldog with a pink rhinestone collar is tucked under her arm.  

        Someone snorts- it is unclear if it is the woman or the dog.  

        Woman turns to lock the Escalade.  Alarm on SUV chirps, and she lowers her sunglasses to shade herself from the blazing Seattle sun on this 65 degree day in July.  She looks super cool.

        Right?!  Now, the question is not which song to use because the answer is clearly, "Party Up (up in here.)"  The question is, do I cut right in with, "You wack, you're twisted, your girl's a hoe," OR "Listen! Yo ass is about to be missin'. You know who gon find you? Some old man fishin!'?"  Also, it's probably more along the lines of the final scene in "The Hangover 3" than any James Bond scene.  Seriously.

This is me and Fairbanks at  a Ludacris concert.  Different rapper, but equally as hilarious as DMX.

        You don't think we were out of place do you? Me neither.  I think we blend right in with our matching tank tops purchased at the Nordstrom Rack earlier that day.  Also, aren't we glad I'm out of the headband phase?  Hate it.

        I was going to go into this whole schtick about my theory that rappers like DMX and Ludacris are just trying to be funny, but then I started looking up specific lyrics.  Turns out they are occasionally quite funny with lines such as,

        "All white top, all white belt, all white jeans, body looking like milk!"

         However, there are several funny phrases that can't be re-posted due to this writer's potential PG-13 audience.  Also, there are lots of terrible lines that are not even close to hilarious, especially when reading them instead of hearing them.  (I don't know why, but somehow, reading them made the lyrics worse.)  At any rate, no schtick will be had here.  My theory has been disproved during my brief stint of  research on "Lyrics A-Z."  Still good music to run with, but I do not recommend listening to it in the presence of developing young minds or people who are easily offended by legitimately shocking vernacular.

   

Exception: never listen to explicit rap music while running if your mother is present.
It will be awkward for both of you when Ludacris mentions swimming lessons involving
*ahem*... inappropriate parts. 

     

When Your Ankle and Your Pants Betray You

        If you have ever very nearly or very completely peed your pants on your commute home from work, you have learned many valuable life lessons.  Not the least of which is to always bring a spare pair of pants (life lesson #39.)

Babies never bring spare pants.  They just expect everyone else to have a pair on hand - jerks.

        A few weeks ago Seattle had a heat wave.  I mean, the sun was out, and it had to be at least 55 degrees.  I got out my capri pants, you guys, and my friend and I went to Discovery park with her baby.  Don't shake your head like that ins't picnic weather!  If you have survived a Seattle winter, you know that is exactly what it was.

Tropical.

        We had to hike to the beach so we could have our picnic.  Picnic is a word which here means, "drinking beer out of red solo cups and eating chips and salsa."  Obvi.  It turns out that hiking with all your picnic supplies and a baby down to the Sound makes a person short of breath.  Maybe even the person not carrying a baby.  Nevertheless, I made it back to my car, unscathed.  I should say, I almost made it unscathed.

        Bad news:  I fell.

        I can tell you have questions.  Let me answer them for you.  Was I drunk? Not even a little bit.  Did I trip over something?  Just tripped on a paved trail over some... air.  Are you okay?  Other than skinning a knee- which I haven't done since I was about 8 1/2 years old- and ripping my capris, I'm fine.  (Okay, we all know that part about not skinning a knee since grade school is a lie.  I am clumsy, trip, and bust up protuberances all the time.)

        It happened in a split second, but time stood still as my trick ankle betrayed me.  As I lumbered to the pavement, I thought, "Am I seriously falling all the way to the ground right now?  I hope this doesn't ruin my pedicure!" I did [fall all the way to the ground,] and it did [ruin my pedicure.]

Now I will never be as awesome as Neil Patrick Harris.

        That's one pair of pants ripped.  A few weeks later I was doing the ol' squat-to-get-your-jeans-on dance, and damn if I didn't rip another pair of pants.  As if tripping and falling over nothing isn't enough of an ego killer, I also had to split a pair of jeans that I no longer comfortably fit into.  Hate it.

Love this

        There are two things I hate about ripping multiple pairs of pants within a month.  Number one: it reminds me of a crazy person I used to date who would only shop at thrift stores (that's not what made him crazy, but it really didn't help his cause.)  One time he ripped a pair of thrift shop corduroys, and when I didn't understand why he was so heartbroken over a $3 pair of pants, he informed me, "Girl, it's not the pants I'm upset about; it's the cost of replacement!"  I keep hearing his voice in my head as I begrudgingly acknowledge my ruined pants.  I hate to say it, but he was right.  It's not losing the pants that hurts the most- it's the cost of replacement.  I've gotten cheaper in my old age, I'm afraid.  

        Okay, second thing I hate about this whole scenario:  we learned in the opening statement of this blog entry that one should always bring a pair of spare pants.  How am I ever supposed to bring a spare if I keep ripping through them?!  I mean, you don't have to pee your pants to need some back up denim.  As we all know, sometimes scabs come flying at you, which is another classic reason to have an extra set of slacks on hand.  

        What if you are a person who, for legitimate reasons, is low on pants?  Life lesson #39, isn't really helpful to you.  Now what?  You should probably just stay home in your underwear and have a cupcake.

Yes, I know this is a vicious cycle.  More cupcakes = more ripped pants.  C'est la vie.