Too Cool for School

        I was going to start this post by saying, "Bad news!"  Next, I thought, "maybe it's good news?" Then, I wondered if I should just say, "Newsflash!"  Now, I realize that what I am about to advertise is neither good nor bad news, and I am probably the only person who would consider it a newsflash.

       Turns out, I'm a nerd.

Never would have guessed, would you?

        Here's how I know for sure that it's true: I had no idea I was a nerd... I seriously just found this out at approximately 11am.  Now that I know, the evidence to support my nerdiness is overwhelming.  

       This morning, I went for a run with my buddy, Heidi.  I was telling her about the most awesome prehistoric shark, Megalodon, while we were stretching.

The biggest prehistoric shark that ever lived (About.com-Dinosaurs)

        Heidi had never even heard of Megalodon!  I know, right?  Kind of embarrassing- for her.  In hindsight, I can see how the conversation took the next, obvious turn.  My running buddy revealed to me that she is pretty much on the far end of the nerd spectrum (ie: super nerd.)  While trying to explain to me how she knows this about herself, she said, "Well, you know, I like Wes Anderson movies-"  

        Now, wait a minute... prior to my rant about giant sea creatures, we had just been discussing our favorite KEXP music (nerd alert.)  I was trying to describe a new song by the band, Hey Marseilles, and I told her it sounded like something you would hear in a Wes Anderson movie.  (Which she totally understood- obvi.)  So you can imagine my surprise when she used liking his movies as a qualifier for nerdiness.

Just in case you're not familiar... totally cool.

        I thought maybe Heidi had forgotten our earlier conversation,"No, I like Wes Anderson movies too," I reminded her.  She just stared at me and gave me the big eyes.  You know, the eyes you give your husband when you point out a frenemy at a wedding, and he unwittingly shouts, "Oh, is that So and So that you hate?"  You give him the big eyes because said frenemy is within hearing distance, and he has a voice that carries, but he doesn't realize any of this.  Big eyes are helpful when you want to convey a message that should be obvious, but you are unable for any number of reasons to use your words.  

These eyes say it all.  (Also, this is not Heidi, just in case you were wondering.)

       Heidi gave me a pretty good dose of the big eyes, but the message still hadn't sunk in.  Then she sledge - hammered me over the head, "You're probably at the pretty nerdy end of the spectrum too."  *light bulb*

        All these years of snorting laughter at my own jokes, dancing with maniacally, seizure-like movements, and knowing more about prehistoric marine life than an 8 year old boy with tape on his glasses... it all makes sense now.  

I think she meant I'm at the awesome end of this spectrum. 

        Well, now what? 

        *Flashback*  I am the new kid in Green Bay, WI. I go to the Bay Port High freshman registration with one of my friends and her mom.  I don't know anyone else.  I have no idea who the dude is that gets up and introduces himself as some kind of president of student council or chess club- who can remember?  My friend's mom nudges me with her elbow, and whispers, "See that guy?  He's the king of the dorks."  I nod knowingly, as if only a fool, wouldn't already know this.

        That dude might have been the king of the dorks, but now he's a lawyer with a big ass office and a killer view.  I don't have an office with a view, but I have a pretty kick ass life, and I am happy.  Nerds and dorks, unite!

Consider me the queen of the nerds.
(Paleness combined with unabashed excitement over miniature sea life = proof.)

        And P.S. No one's cool.  If you think you're cool, you are probably a huge nerd, and you have no idea.   

        P.P.S. Felix Hernandez is legitimately cool, but unless your given nickname from the city of Seattle is straight up "The King," and you've thrown a frickin' perfect game, you don't count.) 

Just sayin'

     

How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

        I would be such a good mom because I looooove chardonnay before 6 pm.  Isn't that a mom thing?

You don't have to be a mom to enjoy a glass of white in the afternoon.

        Then again, I would be a horrible mom because I would be super grouchy until my kid had the fine motor skills to use a corkscrew.  Thus, I would be super grouchy for approximately 14 months, plus the 9 months of pregnancy... You know, I think I'm just going to skip having a kid- more reliable that way.

        You know what else is reliable? Owning a fire arm in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse.  Guess who wants me to die? Rico.

Rico:  At least we have a balcony, so we could snipe the leader of the Zombie Apocalypse.

Me:  Yeah, this is exactly why I need a gun, and you won't let me have one.

Rico: We're not having a gun in this house.

Me: Well, what am I supposed to do when I'm home alone!?

Rico:  We live in a secure building, Nicole.

Me: Homeless people get in here all the time.

Rico:  Homeless people don't get in here.  They sometimes get into the garage.

Me:  What about if a homeless Zombie was climbing our building and got on to the balcony?!  Our sliding glass door doesn't even lock, and I can't kill a Zombie with a Gerber pocket knife!

True, this is a mummy...and also a cake.  Totally harmless, but the closest image I have on file to a Zombie.

        Let me be clear.  I actually think having a gun is one of the worst ideas I've ever had.   Rico and Kittles would be long dead by now if we owned a firearm, as I am easily startled, and have lightning quick reflexes. Yet, if I were faced with a Zombie Apocalypse, I would want one.  In any case, this blog is for fun.  No political statements allowed.  (However, I presume everyone wants a semi-automatic weapon, plus a Gerber Machete, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse so they can double tap without having to reload. Therefore, this is not me making a political statement; I'm just being pro-active.  Obvi.)

Also...Cardio + Beware of Bathrooms

        You know who's in some serious shit when the Zombie Apocalypse strikes?  Australia.  Those wild cowboys passed some serious gun laws back in the 90's.  Check this out...

"In Australia, civilians are not allowed to possess automatic and semi-automatic firearms, self-loading and pump action shotguns, handguns with a calibre in excess of .38in with only narrow exemptions, semi-automatic handguns with a barrel length less than 120mm, and revolvers with a barrel length less than 100mm"  http://www.gunpolicy.org/firearms/region/australia

        Surprising, right?  I mean, they have killer everything in that country.  Killer sharks, poisonous spiders, deadly snakes, saltwater crocodiles- the list goes on.   (Side note: I was reading the 2012 Shark Attacks and Related Incidents website last night-and why wouldn't I be?  According to my limited, unscientific research, a disproportionate number of shark attacks happen in Australia.)

How do you like that bullshARK?!  (Actually, I think it's supposed to be a great white shark, but you already knew that.)

        On the other hand, they have so many natural born killers, maybe the good citizens of Australia didn't want extra, man-made killers running around.  Still, where does this leave us when the undead start to take over?

Lego dinosaur.  Closest image I have on file to an actual Zombie attack.

        Let's consider this Zombie Apocalypse situation logically.

        Question: How did people defend themselves in the olden days (ie: without guns?)
        Answer: Moats.

        Australia is like a giant castle surrounded with a moat guarded by big ass prehistoric animals.  Now that I think about it, we don't need guns, people, we have great white sharks!

       

        Problem solved.  Go ahead and have a glass of chardonnay to celebrate.  I would keep up with your cardio, though...just in case you don't have time to get to Australia when the Z.A. strikes.

It's Elementary, Suckers.

        If you happen to love whiskey as much as I do, you will understand that there are two sides to this drink.  There's the awesome side, which is basically super cool and smooth; and then there's the shitty side, which often involves nearly killing one's friends with an incredibly poorly aimed dart, plus or minus *ahem* puking in said friends' toilet.

It always seems like a good idea at first...

        Living in the SoDo/ Pioneer Square area in Seattle is much like whiskey.  It's pretty freakin' rad to walk to sporting events during which people pay upwards of $25-50 to park.  However, it's a pretty big suckfest when crazy homeless people start running at you and/or smiling at you like, "I want to scalp you so I can make a wig for my dog."   (Truly, the other day I  looked over my shoulder for a boom mic to be sure I hadn't unwittingly been cast in a creepy horror movie or an equally creepy episode of CSI Seattle.)  

All that's missing here is a chalk outline, and a dude in sunglasses to say, "Looks like she was at the end of the line."
*cue them song- "Waaaaaaooooooooooh!" 

        I even saved my mom's life a couple weeks ago.

        First, you guys need to understand, I'm like Sherlock Holmes.  I notice details that no one else sees, and  I am five moves ahead of the bad guys.  Totally.

Jenny, this is for you.

        Although, I have to admit, I don't think a person would necessarily need to be five moves ahead of the bad guys to spot a cracked out homeless person running down First Avenue, Phoebe style.

Yeah this guy looked a lot crazier than Lisa Kudrow... eeeeyeah.

        And spot him, I did.  This man windmilled his arms around while running toward my mom and I. We were just trying to load a lifetime supply of crap my parents had brought for the weekend into their Honda Odyssey.  "F@#$," I thought, "We're sitting ducks."  Mind you, it was 11am, so it wasn't like we were fools wandering the hood in the dark, looking for trouble.  It's just that we were the only fools on the street in that moment.  My mom was totally oblivious to this psycho running at us, but I got ready.  I got low.  I was prepared to deny having any change. Then, this man did something I did not expect.

        He grabbed my dad's backpack.

        It. Was. On.  I lowered my center of gravity, dug my Uggs into the cement, and grabbed that shit back, "Get out of here!" I shouted.  I shooed him like a rabid dog.  (He scared me, okay?!)  He had headphones in (and why wouldn't he?) so he didn't hear me.  Of course.   Luckily, he started speaking Spanish, and I was able to  gather that he was hoping to put the bags in the van for us to make some money. (As opposed to murdering us, then putting us in the van to make some money.)  I was less scared after I realized this, and opted to utilize my fantastic Espanol skills.

        "NO NECESSITO!"  My battle cry was heard all over the neighborhood.  I waved our attacker/ bellhop away again, and herded my mom back into the building.

This is kind of the stance I took as I prepared to fight to the death.  Scooby wasn't there.  Also, that's my brother.

        I recounted the daring tale to Eric and my dad.  Neither one gave the desired response.

        Eric: So, you screamed at him, "I no need!"?

        Dad:  He touched my backpack?!

        Just like Sherlock Holmes,  my genius and heroics are misunderstood.

        

 

Casual Elegance and the Short Bus

        If you have never worn a sweatshirt blazer to your place of employment, then you probably have a minimal- if any- understanding of the following two words:

        Casual Elegance. 

Don't even try.

        If you don't understand casual elegance, then you're probably a commoner.  Bad news, my place of employment just demoted me to commoner status today. They tried, anyway. Obviously, there are powers that be who have not experienced my sweatshirt blazer.  Fools.  I bet this is the guy who sent me an email with RED BOLD FONT...

"He tortured me. With his awfulness." - Michael Scott

        "AFTER REVIEWING THE 2012 PARKING AUDIT, IT HAS BEEN DETERMINED THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER AUTHORIZED TO PARK ON CAMPUS..."

        What the -.

        I'll tell you what happened.

        Well, actually, there's not much to it.  They took away my parking.  You see, technically, I don't have the seniority to park on campus.  (No, I don't work downtown, or in another heavily populated area of the city where parking is scarce, but that's a blog for another day.)  However, as it is with most technicalities, there is often a way around it.  My way of avoiding schlepping in on mass transit and/or shuttles was to... park in the garage, where technically,  I wasn't allowed to park.  Genius, no?  In reality, nobody seemed to notice or care for the last three years.  You see, I was also technically allowed to park on campus because no one had updated my authorization level.  Technically, I forgot to mention it to the parking people.  Damn if they didn't figure it all out.  Curses!

        Do you see how tortured by awfulness I am?

Technically, this is my sister, but her look accurately depicts my face as I read the email revoking my parking privileges.

        Guess what, though?  Joke's on HR! I will never be a commoner. They can ban me to the furthest lot on the slowest shuttle route, yet I will always drink my Perrier with my pinky out.  Boom.  Try and stop me.  

We are sooooo not commoners.  If this doesn't prove it,  I don't know what does.

        Ever been demoted?  Ever had someone try to make you ride the short bus (AKA: shuttle) to work?  Don't worry my friends, they can take your parking pass, but they can never take your pinky.  Maybe in Egypt, they can...Actually, I wouldn't test that place right now.  But if you're stateside, hold your pinky out with pride; show The Man who's boss.  (It's basically the classy middle finger.)  

It's casual. It's elegant.  It screams F the Man.