And on the Seventh Day- I Cheated on the Skinny Rules

        I wish I had a good reason for not writing knee slapping blog posts, but the truth is... I've been cooking.  The worst part is, it's all freaking healthy food.  I mean, who's even heard of farro besides blasted Julius Caesar and other old Roman dudes.  FYI peeps, farro is an ancient grain.  I probably shouldn't be eating it.  I bought some super duper ancient kind by accident, I think, and you have to soak for eight hours before cooking. BLERG.

This is some kind of Giada De Laurentiis farro recipe- and she is a skinny freak!

        Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be as skinny as a freak, but I felt like a bit of a blob after not being able to run for about six weeks.  Combine that with buying a condo, moving, and eating a lot [more] Chinese food than usual, and a person starts to feel kind of blobby.  Right?  If this, or something similar, has never happened to you, or if you are Giada De Laurentiis- we're fighting.

The phrase, "Never trust a skinny cook" comes to mind

        I'm going to level with you.  I'm following this book like it's the Bible...

I'm ignoring the awkward comb over here

        Actually, I follow it much better than I follow the Bible.  The Bible is super long and boring- have you ever read it?  I have.  Seriously, I read the whole Bible in nine months once.  That's a topic for a different, blog, though.  Let's be honest, that entry probably won't get written, since a blog about an incredibly tedious book written a gazillion years ago can't be that funny.  I don't want to lose one of my- I mean, I don't want to lose my reader due to boredom.

This is Kittles after our evening reading of the Pentateuch- I almost bored her to death

        Here's why I love it:  you get to eat a lot of food, and you get SNACKS twice a day.  You guys know how much I love snacks.  Also- and you're going to think I'm a crazy hippy naturopath for this one, but it's true- I am sleeping like a rock every single night.  I haven't even needed my fake root sleeping pill!

       Here's why I hate it a little: lots of the food is non-fat, unsweetened Greek Yogurt.  In case you haven't tried it, non-fat, unsweetened Greek Yogurt is SICK.  One person I know said, "It tastes like gastric juices."  I can not deny that it might, although,  I don't consider myself to be a connesiour of gastric juices.

Feed this to your nemesis.

        Just put some agave in it, you say?  Gladly, except for that Bob Harper is masterfully helping me reset my palate, and he doesn't want me to have any extra sugar- even agave.  No artificial sweeteners either (Rule 10.)  Worse than gastric juice flavored yogurt?  Consider this: No. Diet. Coke. So, yeah... it's worse.

Ivy Jane knows exactly how I feel.

        I am eating ancient grains,  abstaining from sugar,  and I haven't had a cheeseburger in... at least three weeks.  Next thing you know, I'll be selling my birth right for a bowl of stew- as long as there are potatoes in it, and I can have a beer to wash it down.  Which I can't because one of the skinny rules is, "Get Rid of Those White Potatoes," and another is, "Don't Drink Your Calories." Bob Harper is the worst (for those of you who don't know, and couldn't read the copy of his book cover, he is actually "a weight loss expert, and star of NBC's 'The Biggest Loser.'")  So, he's not really the worst.  Except for when you want a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs for dinner and you remember "Rule 7: No Carbs After Lunch."  That bastard.

        Now you know if I order "the farro" when we're out for lunch, I am not summoning an ancient Egyptian king.  If you should happen to order a cheeseburger and a beer at that same lunch outing, however, you might want to hold your butter knife in a defensive position.  There's no skinny rule that reads, "Thou shalt not get stabby when coveting thy neighbors' food."  

        

Again, I will cut you.