How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

        I would be such a good mom because I looooove chardonnay before 6 pm.  Isn't that a mom thing?

You don't have to be a mom to enjoy a glass of white in the afternoon.

        Then again, I would be a horrible mom because I would be super grouchy until my kid had the fine motor skills to use a corkscrew.  Thus, I would be super grouchy for approximately 14 months, plus the 9 months of pregnancy... You know, I think I'm just going to skip having a kid- more reliable that way.

        You know what else is reliable? Owning a fire arm in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse.  Guess who wants me to die? Rico.

Rico:  At least we have a balcony, so we could snipe the leader of the Zombie Apocalypse.

Me:  Yeah, this is exactly why I need a gun, and you won't let me have one.

Rico: We're not having a gun in this house.

Me: Well, what am I supposed to do when I'm home alone!?

Rico:  We live in a secure building, Nicole.

Me: Homeless people get in here all the time.

Rico:  Homeless people don't get in here.  They sometimes get into the garage.

Me:  What about if a homeless Zombie was climbing our building and got on to the balcony?!  Our sliding glass door doesn't even lock, and I can't kill a Zombie with a Gerber pocket knife!

True, this is a mummy...and also a cake.  Totally harmless, but the closest image I have on file to a Zombie.

        Let me be clear.  I actually think having a gun is one of the worst ideas I've ever had.   Rico and Kittles would be long dead by now if we owned a firearm, as I am easily startled, and have lightning quick reflexes. Yet, if I were faced with a Zombie Apocalypse, I would want one.  In any case, this blog is for fun.  No political statements allowed.  (However, I presume everyone wants a semi-automatic weapon, plus a Gerber Machete, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse so they can double tap without having to reload. Therefore, this is not me making a political statement; I'm just being pro-active.  Obvi.)

Also...Cardio + Beware of Bathrooms

        You know who's in some serious shit when the Zombie Apocalypse strikes?  Australia.  Those wild cowboys passed some serious gun laws back in the 90's.  Check this out...

"In Australia, civilians are not allowed to possess automatic and semi-automatic firearms, self-loading and pump action shotguns, handguns with a calibre in excess of .38in with only narrow exemptions, semi-automatic handguns with a barrel length less than 120mm, and revolvers with a barrel length less than 100mm"  http://www.gunpolicy.org/firearms/region/australia

        Surprising, right?  I mean, they have killer everything in that country.  Killer sharks, poisonous spiders, deadly snakes, saltwater crocodiles- the list goes on.   (Side note: I was reading the 2012 Shark Attacks and Related Incidents website last night-and why wouldn't I be?  According to my limited, unscientific research, a disproportionate number of shark attacks happen in Australia.)

How do you like that bullshARK?!  (Actually, I think it's supposed to be a great white shark, but you already knew that.)

        On the other hand, they have so many natural born killers, maybe the good citizens of Australia didn't want extra, man-made killers running around.  Still, where does this leave us when the undead start to take over?

Lego dinosaur.  Closest image I have on file to an actual Zombie attack.

        Let's consider this Zombie Apocalypse situation logically.

        Question: How did people defend themselves in the olden days (ie: without guns?)
        Answer: Moats.

        Australia is like a giant castle surrounded with a moat guarded by big ass prehistoric animals.  Now that I think about it, we don't need guns, people, we have great white sharks!

       

        Problem solved.  Go ahead and have a glass of chardonnay to celebrate.  I would keep up with your cardio, though...just in case you don't have time to get to Australia when the Z.A. strikes.