Animal Nightmares

        Many of my peeps know that a vast majority of my knowledge is gained from channels like Animal Planet and National Geographic.  It is also well known that I have an obsession with "Shark Week" and shows such as, "Animal Nightmares."  I heard a real gem of a quote from a narrator on the Wild Channel this afternoon.  The name of the show?  "Snakezilla." Obvi.  Here it is:

        "When you see a wild python out in the Everglades, you better bring your A- game because that snake is going to want to eat you alive."

        There is one thing that concerns me about this statement.  If you do not know that wild pythons can grow to over 30 feet long (there was speculation that a 49 footer had been found in Indonesia, but when official measurements were taken it was something closer to 20 feet long and only about 1,000 pounds,) and you are wandering around in the Everglades, you probably don't even know what A-game means.  In which case, you have a bigger problem than a giant reticulated python- you're stupid.

Look at these fools

        I was in the wild myself this weekend.  I camped on an air mattress in the primitive outdoors of Mattson Farms in Cashmere, WA.  I did not come across any Snakezillas, but I did come across this deadly combination...

Deadly cute, that is.

        This deadly cuteness almost turned fatal when a stray horseshoe flew toward this pug puppy's head.  Look, if I had any control over where I was throwing, I wouldn't have lost the game 2-6, nor would I have plotted the death of a puppy in front of dozens of people.  It was an accident.

       Besides, this puppy was a little bit of a fool.  He was way too occupied with sniffing the ground to notice giant metal objects hurtling at his miniature noggin. Well, he might have been blind in one eye, too, so not really his fault.  It was an accident.  If you want to blame someone, blame the idiots that let me throw horseshoes with people and small pets around.

        I watched in horror as the ultimate party foul unfolded 20 yards away from me in slow motion.  My feet were frozen next to the stake, and all I could do was screech, "Oh goooooooood!"  Luckily, I was not as strong as I anticipated and the horseshoe landed several feet away from... 

        Okay, I'll tell you.  The. pug's. name. is. Tebow.  I almost killed TEBOW.  Of course.  It's like I'm trying to go to hell.  

Hey Nicole, what's a really good way to secure a spot in hell?  

Easy.  Just smash the skull of a puppy who is blind in one eye and was named after Jesus' favorite NFL quarterback.   

     Lucky for me, Jesus saved him- as always.  Also, I am quite certain his owners were more pissed that I took the Lord's name in vain than at the fact that I  practically crushed their puppy's face in [even more than it already is.] 

        And since this has gone from a deadly animal post straight to a religious commentary, let me bring you the good news: 

         If you find yourself in the wild, watch out for giant snakes and/or blonde freaks chucking horseshoes in your general direction. They can be equally deadly- especially if you are a tiny smoosh faced puppy named after Tim Tebow.  (I don't teach Sunday school anymore, it's okay.)

Don't worry, if I ever see these two together near a horseshoe pit, I will be the first to run screaming in the opposite direction.