The Holiday Edition

        Have you ever bought a German electronica dance CD on iTunes, and then instantly regretted it to the point where you wanted to stab yourself in the ear with a letter opener?  Yeah, me neither.  That would be so 1999- not to mention an embarrassing waste of money.

Does this look like an embarrassing waste of money to you?

        What I did do recently was go to Trader Joe's in an attempt to beat the Thanksgiving rush.  Being the middle of the day, and the middle of the week I thought I was golden.  Clearly, I thought wrong.  Trader Joe's is always a disaster, but yesterday it was a special brand of annoying.  People were carting me in the arm, stopping in the middle of the aisle to stare at cranberries, and asking dumb questions to the poor TJ team members in their Hawaiian print shirts (bless their hearts.)  Be warned people: the grocery store is a dangerous place.  Shop if you dare.

        I feel now is the appropriate time to share one of my major life goals that happens to come in quite handy this time of year.  This life goal is as follows: never cook a turkey. There are a couple of reasons why I continue to achieve this lofty goal.   The obvious reason being that turkey is super gross and full of disgusting salmonella just waiting to explode all over my kitchen and give me diseases.

And it will sneak up on you, too

        Do you see that sick, raw turkey in the picture?  Don't let the cute cartoon salmonella dupe you, this is no joke.  If you are going to act a fool and cook a turkey on Thanksgiving, you should absolutely visit www.foodsafety.gov and read the plethora of information on safe turkey prep and cooking tips.  

        The next reason why I will never cook a turkey is much less dangerous, but equally as important.  Cooking a turkey is not working smarter.  I keep hearing, "It's so easy!" People have tried to bait me with this lie, but I am not biting- at least not until after it's cooked to a safe internal temperature (165 °F.)  You have to thaw the darn thing, brine, stuff, baste, bake, BLECH!  Who has the wherewithal to plan that far ahead?  Forget it! It was all I could do to make it through Trader Joe's with hummus and rice crackers in my cart, let alone an 8-12 pound naked monster bird.

Too disgusting for words

        The smart way to have Thanksgiving dinner is certainly not to cook poor old Tom Turkey yourself.  I recommend bringing an appetizer and a lovely Malbec to throw potential poultry pushers off your scent.  Or, if you are having Thanksgiving at your house this year, trick your husband or significant other into cooking the beast, and follow him or her around with a Clorox wipe after that thing is safe in the oven.  Better yet, become a "vegetarian," and tell all your friends and family you are serving Tofurkey for dinner.  Not only will someone else end up cooking the turkey for you, but it is likely the event will not have to be held at your abode, thereby saving you many hours of cleaning and slaving away in the kitchen.

Do you see what I mean?  This will make horrible left-overs

        And my final piece of advice on working smarter not harder for the holidays:  if there is a task that you have been working on avoiding for quite some time, there is one sure fire way for continued- nay, life long- avoidance of said task.  Do not learn this skill.  If you don't know how to do something, you have the perfect excuse not do do it.  "Gee, mom, I would love to host Thanksgiving dinner, and make a giant turkey, but I just don't know how."  Problem solved.