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| Ta-da. |
A few weeks ago, I went for an early morning run with a friend before work. First, I was quite proud of myself for actually waking up early enough to start a run by 0545- BLERG. Second, I was doubly proud of myself because I followed all of the above advice in order to be polite. It was a win win. Two wins!
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| BYOD optional |
Should you ever find yourself with a half gone, pre-packed miniature shampoo bottle in a friend's spare shower, there is one realization that no amount of thoughtful planning can save you from.
Fuck. I left my clothes at home.
As a rule, I would not usually shower at a friend's home after a run. A typical human would go home and use their own facilities. Yet, if we have learned one thing, we all know I am not a typical human. (Ever notice how the difference between 'a typical' and 'atypical' is a [space?]) Nor would I usually choose to run before 6 AM. On the particular morning in question, however, there were reasons behind both of these insane choices. I didn't want to run after work because it had been in the 80's at 7pm that week. Did I mention I had to go to work? Hence the need to shower at a rando house in the first place.
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| Spectacular. |
How does this riveting story end, you ask? You and I both know I have to drag this out a little longer and add more pictures.
I finished my shower because I figured, if I had to go to work naked, I should at least be clean. Then a stroke of luck hit. My phone was with me in the bathroom! I furiously started texting my friend's wife.
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| Of course I did. |
She happened to be right outside the guest bathroom at the computer desk, checking her email. She didn't even read my text before asking, "Dude. Are you texting me from inside the bathroom?!"
"Yes!" I panicked, "I forgot my clothes at home!"
"Well come out here. We'll go upstairs and find something."
"Um, I CAN'T. I have NO CLOTHES," was she seriously missing this point?
"There's a ROBE on the back of the door!"
"Okay, I'll be right out."
There are people who wear robes in front of company with no qualms. I am not one of those people. To me, a robe is awkward. There could be articles of clothing underneath, or one false move of the belt, and all of the sudden, your favorite auntie is a flasher. These are things no one wants to gamble on because no matter what the over under is, everyone loses. (This, of course, also depends what is- or is not- under what is over.) Confused? Me too. Obvi.
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| Just like in this picture- we're losing, the Mariners are losing- we might as well have worn robes to the game. |
The rest is pretty much an average morning. [It was] just me running back and forth between my friends' bedroom and their teenage daughter's closet (who was dead asleep and didn't so much as roll over with all the commotion) to find some haphazard combination of presentable work attire. All the while, I was making serious efforts to avoid a major robe malfunction that would make a bad situation worse. Nobody wants to be a flasher*. No big deal.
*Some people want to be flashers. I suppose to qualify, I should say, "Nobody who is trying to be normal wants to be a flasher."
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| Kittles is always flashing people. She's a disgusting human. |
When I think of possible lessons learned from this whole sordid affair, they amount to a multiple choice q&a.
Sally is showering in her friend's home after a run. She realizes half way through that she has forgotten her clean clothes at home. As a matter of fact she can picture the hanger on the edge of the kitchen counter. What a freaking nitwit. In order to show up to work with clothes on, which of the following answers best describes what Sally should do to solve this puzzle:
a) F*@# work. Call in "naked" and go home.
b) Only run with friends who also have a teenage girl in approximately your size of skinny jean.
c) Don't run at 5:45 am. Ever.
d) all of the above
Now, I was never a huge genius at multiple choice. However, I learned enough in nursing school to know that when in doubt, choose C. Although I have to say A would be an equally satisfying option.
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| I'm pretty certain at least one of these fools has had to call in "naked" to work. What I am not certain of, is whether or not this individual was able to use a sick day. |
